The Top Ten Reasons an author knows they have done one too many holiday book signings

January 12th, 2015

You begin to lose everything: car keys, cell phone, eye glasses, gloves.

The glasses you lost days ago are either found in the Triscuit box, the microwave or in the driveway, shattered after you ran over them on your way to a book signing.

Your car begins to look like a mobile homeless shelter. Books, spare clothes, orange peels, empty water bottles, event posters, crumpled coffee cups, and unwrapped Christmas gifts cover your floor and seats.

After seven signings in a week, you start looking like a homeless person, carrying multiple bags to events. Bags filled with food, a half-finished scarf, unwritten Christmas cards, and random scraps of paper with to-do lists that will never get done.

You would like to remark “No, I’m freaking Rudolph!” to the 50th customer who inquires “Oh, you’re the author?” while you’re standing in front of a life-sized poster with your face that reads “Author Signing Today.”

You start splashing water on your clothes because you no longer have time to iron and your room looks worse than your 13-year-old daughter’s with mounds of discarded dirty clothes strewn across the floor.

After signing 90 books in two days, you start writing Merry Christmas 2017 and it takes you a moment to catch on when the customer questions “2017?”

The bags under your eyes are darker than ink, your lip stick is smeared across your face, and you start flipping off customers who walk by, ignoring your sweet salutation of “Happy Holidays, book signing today!”

After three signings in 13 hours, your words no longer make sense and no one believes you can write a coherent sentence, never mind a book.

You vow never, ever to set up so many signings before Christmas – until next year comes around.
crazy author

SAMMY IN THE SKY. Illustrations copyright © 2011 by Jamie Wyeth. Reproduced by permission of the publisher, Candlewick Press, Somerville, MA.